This has been an interesting start to the year for sure. Yes it's May already and I am finally getting a chance to spew my thoughts.
December started with me getting Pneumonia which I have never had before. If God is every trying to tell you to take a break or slow down, Pneumonia is def the way to do that. I had to rest for about 3 weeks and I am not one to sit still. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience. So I am assuming I didn't get the picture as our whole family got the flu in Jan. We were all well for about a week or two and both Ash and I ended up with Bronchitis. Again I was down. I finally got the picture!!!
We got to the beginning of March and I decided I needed some time off of work. With the helpful hands and hearts of my friends I figured out I was going through depression. Never have I experienced something like this. You feel like every situation is 1000 times bigger than it is and I got to the point where I couldn't answer a simple yes or no question without having a meltdown. I was ready to give up and leave everything behind, even my husband and kids.
Once I had decided to take time off and my husband and I stepped down from the things we were apart of, my grandma passed away. She was my last grandparent and was almost 90. Such a tiny beautiful person. She loved God and always prayed. She always wanted to help people and loved her family very much. But as we age her body was slowing down and just wasn't able to hold on.
About a week later my uncle passed away. Needless to say I was not sure if I could handle much more. It was one thing after another. So we made the unplanned trip to Iowa and spent a few days there for the funeral and for our family. How do you comfort someone who has just lost the love of their life? Their best friend? The person they have spent the last 27 years with? You can't! You can try and besides prayer that is all you can do. We still pray daily for my aunt and wait for her to find her way. When her heart is ready we will be there for her. Until then we wait and go along side her holding her up the best we can from far away.
So things have slowed down and my mind has become clear on a few things in life. I have been reading this book called "Not a Fan" by Kyle Idleman and I have to say one of the best books I have read in a long time. I had to accept the fact that I have just been a fan of Jesus. I have been here saying yes Jesus I will follow you but not on your terms, on mine. I commit to him but only if it doesnt' require me to get hurt or ask to much of me. I have not let him in and I have not loved him the way he loves me. He has not been my number 1 in life and is always pushed aside when something better comes along.
So he is pruning and molding me and through the past events I have realized that I am not where I need to be. I have decided I am not longer happy with being a church goer who just goes on Sunday because that is what you do. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking church is a building. We his people are his church and we belong on the battle field doing his work!!! How can we reach the unreached when we have out bums planted in a chair? We can't!
So as he molds me, my eyes are opening and seeing the ways and places he wants me to go. I want to show my children how to really be the hands and feet of Jesus. I want my children to see that Jesus is always first. It's going to take some time as I have been set in my ways for some time now. But there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I want to fall in love with you Jesus, I want you to break my heart for what breaks yours, I want you always be thirsty for your word, I want to love the least of these and I want to love the way you love!!!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
change
Change, the word itself doesn't even sounds fun. But it happens to all of us. Change is something we all have to deal with.
I have come to realize that change is much easier when you are younger. When you don't have major priorities or families that get in the way, change is something you do every day. However, when you have children and a husband and other family, it's hard to deal with.
Change also goes along with comfort. We usually don't like change because we are comfortable where we are with what we have. Anything that comes in and doesn't fit makes us change and we don't like that.
I have recently be informed of a change that will be coming in our lives in the next few months. My first instinct is to start planning. I am a planner! I plan for everything and then I also plan for the things that may happen to change my original plan so that I am prepared. So when I first hear about this change, I start my planning. What are we gonna do about this? and what about this? and how are we gonna make this work? and how will I fit this in? and I will probably have to give this up. It's all gonna change.
What I also struggle with is just letting God deal with the change. I struggle with him taking the lead or I struggle to give him the lead is what I really should say. I like to be in control and sometimes you have to face the fact that we just don't have control.
So here I am, knowing the change is coming, and I need to just let God take the lead. He already knows the outcome and he has already won the war. Anything that I go through is nothing compared to the cross. Much easier said than done for sure.
So here we go, ready as we can be for change, and ready to give the lead to God.
I have come to realize that change is much easier when you are younger. When you don't have major priorities or families that get in the way, change is something you do every day. However, when you have children and a husband and other family, it's hard to deal with.
Change also goes along with comfort. We usually don't like change because we are comfortable where we are with what we have. Anything that comes in and doesn't fit makes us change and we don't like that.
I have recently be informed of a change that will be coming in our lives in the next few months. My first instinct is to start planning. I am a planner! I plan for everything and then I also plan for the things that may happen to change my original plan so that I am prepared. So when I first hear about this change, I start my planning. What are we gonna do about this? and what about this? and how are we gonna make this work? and how will I fit this in? and I will probably have to give this up. It's all gonna change.
What I also struggle with is just letting God deal with the change. I struggle with him taking the lead or I struggle to give him the lead is what I really should say. I like to be in control and sometimes you have to face the fact that we just don't have control.
So here I am, knowing the change is coming, and I need to just let God take the lead. He already knows the outcome and he has already won the war. Anything that I go through is nothing compared to the cross. Much easier said than done for sure.
So here we go, ready as we can be for change, and ready to give the lead to God.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Giving
One of my most favorite things to do in the world is to give to people. I love to see their faces, I love to see the joy and the love that I feel inside is abounding.
Last weekend out youth group did a Scavenger Hunt Food Drive and all the food went to our "No One Goes Hungry" ministry for the holidays.
So the this was the first time some of these kids had ever done anything like this and I wasn't sure how they were going to respond or how much they would actually get into it. THEY DID AMAZING!!! We had some competitiveness going on that made it soo fun.
The amount of food the kids brought back blew me away. They all enjoyed it and are very excited to do it again.
So with all the food they brought back, we were able to deliver 3 food boxes today and still have more food to put together 2 more boxes. I was fortunate enough to deliver 2 of those boxes to families who need this food more than you can imagine.
When you drive up to meet them and they don't actually know why you are stopping by and you can give them this huge box of food and see their faces, my heart exploded. I wanted to cry. When people are struggling to provide for their families and they just can't they feel helpless. We had soo much food brought in that we were able to help more people than we thought we would and that was all JESUS. He knew of the needs and he provided just like he promises. He uses us to show his love to be his hands and feet.
I could never ask for anything better than to be his hands and feet and if I could have a full-time job delivering food boxes to people who are hurting and struggling and need to feel his love, I would take it in a heart beat.
I know that this is what I was meant to do, to be his hands and feet.
JESUS, you are beautiful!
Last weekend out youth group did a Scavenger Hunt Food Drive and all the food went to our "No One Goes Hungry" ministry for the holidays.
So the this was the first time some of these kids had ever done anything like this and I wasn't sure how they were going to respond or how much they would actually get into it. THEY DID AMAZING!!! We had some competitiveness going on that made it soo fun.
The amount of food the kids brought back blew me away. They all enjoyed it and are very excited to do it again.
So with all the food they brought back, we were able to deliver 3 food boxes today and still have more food to put together 2 more boxes. I was fortunate enough to deliver 2 of those boxes to families who need this food more than you can imagine.
When you drive up to meet them and they don't actually know why you are stopping by and you can give them this huge box of food and see their faces, my heart exploded. I wanted to cry. When people are struggling to provide for their families and they just can't they feel helpless. We had soo much food brought in that we were able to help more people than we thought we would and that was all JESUS. He knew of the needs and he provided just like he promises. He uses us to show his love to be his hands and feet.
I could never ask for anything better than to be his hands and feet and if I could have a full-time job delivering food boxes to people who are hurting and struggling and need to feel his love, I would take it in a heart beat.
I know that this is what I was meant to do, to be his hands and feet.
JESUS, you are beautiful!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Lonely
My husband is gone again for a few days to California for work again. This time is very different than the other trips. Normally we text and call each other often and I don't feel like he is any further away than work. This time I have only been able to text him for about 5 mins in the morning and was able to talk to him for literally 1 minute last night bc he had to go. Going all this time is making me feel very alone. I have not felt this feeling for a very long time and it makes my mind go all over the place.
One of the worst thoughts that I have has been: Is God preparing me to be alone with my kids without my husband? Is something going to happen to him and he won't be around anymore? I like to think I am prepared for this as I have thought it through many times in my head as I try to fall asleep at night. I honestly don't know that I will ever be prepared for something so tragic.
Of course another thought that runs though my brain is what if he is separating himself bc he leaving? ugh sooo many things your mind can tell you that aren't even true.
So all day I feel this emptiness inside and I don't know what to do. I almost feel lost like I dont' know who I am or what to do next. I am Darren's wife and I take care of our kids and I talk to him all the time throughout my day. I don't know how to not be or do those things. I feel like if I figure out how to do these things without him, will I still need him? I dont' want to be so independent that I don't need my husband.
Sometimes I wish my brain would just stop for a while a take a break.
One of the worst thoughts that I have has been: Is God preparing me to be alone with my kids without my husband? Is something going to happen to him and he won't be around anymore? I like to think I am prepared for this as I have thought it through many times in my head as I try to fall asleep at night. I honestly don't know that I will ever be prepared for something so tragic.
Of course another thought that runs though my brain is what if he is separating himself bc he leaving? ugh sooo many things your mind can tell you that aren't even true.
So all day I feel this emptiness inside and I don't know what to do. I almost feel lost like I dont' know who I am or what to do next. I am Darren's wife and I take care of our kids and I talk to him all the time throughout my day. I don't know how to not be or do those things. I feel like if I figure out how to do these things without him, will I still need him? I dont' want to be so independent that I don't need my husband.
Sometimes I wish my brain would just stop for a while a take a break.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Heart Ache
My grandma is 89 and she recently fell and broke her arm. She is so mad at her self right now because she knows she was doing so good taking care of herself and now she has been in the hospital for a week and now in a care facility until she can take care of herself again.
So my sister and I went to visit with her and she looked so sad. She is still mad at herself and in a lot of pain. She was finally able to stand up for 15 straight minutes so that was very exciting. She told us how someone was supposed to bring her some clothes because she had been wearing her gown for over a week with only sponge baths. She also told us how she gives her newspaper to others because she doesn't have her magnifine glass to read it. She said she doesn't know what day it is either because she doesn't have a calendar.
So my sister and I decided we would see what we could do to get her those things. We made phone call after phone call and nothing. We couldn't get ppl to call us back, we left messages and sent text messages. Finally I got a hold of my dad and of course the call ends with crying. He says that his sister is the one who is handling all that. So I told him to put his foot down and tell her to let other ppl help. He said he won't do that because he wants to keep communication open. If he tells ppl what to do they won't talk to him anymore. UGH!!!
My grandma is in a place she doesn't want to be and all she wants are clothes, a magnifine glass and a calendar!! Why is it such a big deal to make her feel happy. Make her feel comfortable in a place she doesn't want to be in and WHY does my aunt have to be so STUPID AND CRAZY!!!!!
UGH!!!
So my sister and I went to visit with her and she looked so sad. She is still mad at herself and in a lot of pain. She was finally able to stand up for 15 straight minutes so that was very exciting. She told us how someone was supposed to bring her some clothes because she had been wearing her gown for over a week with only sponge baths. She also told us how she gives her newspaper to others because she doesn't have her magnifine glass to read it. She said she doesn't know what day it is either because she doesn't have a calendar.
So my sister and I decided we would see what we could do to get her those things. We made phone call after phone call and nothing. We couldn't get ppl to call us back, we left messages and sent text messages. Finally I got a hold of my dad and of course the call ends with crying. He says that his sister is the one who is handling all that. So I told him to put his foot down and tell her to let other ppl help. He said he won't do that because he wants to keep communication open. If he tells ppl what to do they won't talk to him anymore. UGH!!!
My grandma is in a place she doesn't want to be and all she wants are clothes, a magnifine glass and a calendar!! Why is it such a big deal to make her feel happy. Make her feel comfortable in a place she doesn't want to be in and WHY does my aunt have to be so STUPID AND CRAZY!!!!!
UGH!!!
For Sale
So we are in the process of putting our house on the market. We have never done this before and lets just say, I am ready to just not do it and finish our basement. The stress that I have felt since starting all this is starting to get overwhelming.
When we started our list of things that needed to be done, it didn't seem like a whole lot. Now that we have started and time is going by, it's a big never ending list.
We just finished our front yard which makes our house look like a brand new house and I love it!!! But will it work for others? We shall see.
We leave for Canada in 2 weeks and we need the house on the market before we leave. This means we have a TON of stuff to get done in the next week to make sure it's on the market and ready to do.
I will say, the next time I try to sell a house, I'm gonna pay someone else to do all this work.
When we started our list of things that needed to be done, it didn't seem like a whole lot. Now that we have started and time is going by, it's a big never ending list.
We just finished our front yard which makes our house look like a brand new house and I love it!!! But will it work for others? We shall see.
We leave for Canada in 2 weeks and we need the house on the market before we leave. This means we have a TON of stuff to get done in the next week to make sure it's on the market and ready to do.
I will say, the next time I try to sell a house, I'm gonna pay someone else to do all this work.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Regret
My heart breaks for those we know and love who choose their needs and wants and what makes them feel good over their family, biological or not.
One day you are going to look back and see all that you missed because we are not what you wanted at the time. We didn't make you feel the way you wanted to feel and we didn't do all the things you wanted us to do. One day you will look back and see all the people you really don't know and we won't know you either because you chose to keep yourself away. One day you will look back and see all the people who have grown up without you knowing. They will be different and like strangers because you chose your friends and your attitude over us. You wanted people to like you for who you thought you were and didn't give anyone a chance to know the real you. One day you will find the real you who we all knew was there but you wouldn't let us in and now we will always be on the outside.
Your family is where you come from, came from and will be apart of your whole life. Nobody says you have to love these people but how can you push yourself away so that you don't know them at all?
When you have children, your gonna want them to know their cousins but won't because you won't know them either. Your children are gonna ask you questions about when you grew up and what kind of things did you do as a kid with your family and you won't have answers because you pushed yourself away.
You will be an aunt, a cousin, a 2nd and 3rd cousin, sister, mom, grandma and you won't know any of those people because you chose your own path away from your family. You will be a stranger!
Is that what you want? To be a stranger? To have people who are supposed to have hearts full of love for you but they only know you as an acquaintance? My heart breaks for you and I pray for you that one day you will follow the path you were meant to take and that will be apart of your history. You don't have to follow in your history's footprints but you should at least leave some prints so others may know you.
One day you are going to look back and see all that you missed because we are not what you wanted at the time. We didn't make you feel the way you wanted to feel and we didn't do all the things you wanted us to do. One day you will look back and see all the people you really don't know and we won't know you either because you chose to keep yourself away. One day you will look back and see all the people who have grown up without you knowing. They will be different and like strangers because you chose your friends and your attitude over us. You wanted people to like you for who you thought you were and didn't give anyone a chance to know the real you. One day you will find the real you who we all knew was there but you wouldn't let us in and now we will always be on the outside.
Your family is where you come from, came from and will be apart of your whole life. Nobody says you have to love these people but how can you push yourself away so that you don't know them at all?
When you have children, your gonna want them to know their cousins but won't because you won't know them either. Your children are gonna ask you questions about when you grew up and what kind of things did you do as a kid with your family and you won't have answers because you pushed yourself away.
You will be an aunt, a cousin, a 2nd and 3rd cousin, sister, mom, grandma and you won't know any of those people because you chose your own path away from your family. You will be a stranger!
Is that what you want? To be a stranger? To have people who are supposed to have hearts full of love for you but they only know you as an acquaintance? My heart breaks for you and I pray for you that one day you will follow the path you were meant to take and that will be apart of your history. You don't have to follow in your history's footprints but you should at least leave some prints so others may know you.
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