Feeling Lonely

So I have done a lot of thinking the past few days.  My husband and I haven't had the best relationship since he started his new position at work.  It has been very stressful for me. 

I had very high hopes and A LOT of expectations I am now realizing.  When he was offered this position and he said yes, I saw right away in my head, more time with my husband, more time for him and the kids, we can eat dinner together, we can have date nights, we can see each other before I am exhausted and done for the day.  That right there is where my world has come crashing down.

With his previous position he was working 6 days a week and 12+ hours a day.  Sometimes he would work 15-17 hours a day and the kids wouldn't see him for 2 or 3 days.  This has always been very hard for me to see how much they miss him and to hear them complain about how they have to go to bed without seeing their dad.  He leaves before they are awake and he is still gone when they go to bed.  It's hard.  It makes me feel like a single parent who is married but not sure who I am married to.

So with this new position, it was supposed to allow the kids to see him every night before they go to bed and to be able to have dinner with him a couple times a week.  It was supposed to give us more time with him all the way around. 

I have tried to be a listening ear for him with all the new things he is learning as I am very excited for him to have this opportunity.  I ask him questions and try very hard to remember things he tells me.

I realize that my love tank has been running on empty for a long time with no drop in site.  In fact, it looks like a ghost town.  I have been working very hard on filling up my husbands love tank but he has not even looked in the direction of mine.

So here we are again, back to the reality of still being a single parent.  It hurts inside because I feel very lonely.  I often go over in my head what I would do if something happen to him.  Where would I live, would I keep the stuff we shared, how would the kids take it, would I get remarried, if so who would I be interested in marrying.    Then my head goes to ppl I have seen in stores, guys I find attractive and even though I don't know them and have never talked to them, I could see myself dating them.  Would they want to date someone who has been married and who has kids.  Lots of thoughts go through my head.

These are not things I like to admit to people but at times it makes me feel comfort because I am prepared for the future if this becomes my future.  It keeps my mind busy so I don't think about how lonely I am.

My husband and I recently went on a date night and I knew from the start it was a waste of time.  I honestly felt like I would rather be somewhere else than there at dinner with my husband.  Our conversation becomes about him because if I talk about something that interests me, I see him zone out.    (can you hear my heart break?)

The last two weeks I have volunteered at church  in two different areas.  It has been on the calendar for at least a month and I have talked to him about both a few times.  When the days get here, he has no idea I'm helping out and doesn't know where I am.  (and it breaks a bit more)

Right now his life has become his work and that is all he is focused on.  I'm not sure how many arguments it's going to take to make him see what is happening.

Not sure where to go from here but I know I have not felt this lonely for a VERY long time.  I try to keep myself busy with work and the kids, talking to my friends, facebook and of course pinterest.  I dream of better times and hope they are coming my way soon. 

For now, I will continue to pray for our relationship and continue on my journey alone.

Football

So I have never been a fan of football, EVER!!  I just always assume the team the people around me are rooting for will lose.  It's just easier to accept the loss right away I think hehe.

Well the last few years my husband has been watching football more and more.  Each year I learn a little bit more about the game and the players along with their teams.  It seems the more I learn about the game, the more I get into the game because I actually understand what's happening.

So this year I again and learning to like the game and have decided, I am a Broncos fan.  I have jumped on the Tebow bandwagon but mostly because I root for the underdogs.  I do of course LOVE that he believes in Jesus and LOVE how he is using his position to do things for others.  What a great testimony!

So I am now watching all the football games and rooting for the Broncos and enjoying my time with my husband as we jump up and down yelling and screaming at the tv because the teams can't hear us.  It's alot of fun. 

The yelling and screaming  reminds me of when I was younger and I would see my mom doing the same things.  Dun dun dunnnnn!  Just kidding.  She has always been a fan and she loves her team.  I dont' see myself getting that bad but it's def fun and makes my life less stressful when I have to sit and watch football when I hate the game. 

I now enjoy Sunday's and look forward to the time with my husband.

Sickness

Well so far this year is starting out great!  Both kids have been sick!  I am going to take this as a sign that we will be done for the year.  I like to think positive.

I thought both kids were getting better and then BAM!!!  Ash is screaming because her ear is hurting.  So we take her to urgent care and of course, double ear infections!  So now we start the process of antibiotics and get though the weekend. 

We will start fresh next week.  I have good thoughts about next week!

Down week

This week has been very unusual to say the least.  It stated out great and went down hill. 

I got one sick kid for three days and by itself is a big deal.  Needless to say that right there throws my whole week of kilter.  I love my little boy but he is def a male when he is sick.  He milks it for all its worth.  The only good thing is that when he is sick, he stays in one spot and I can get my own stuff done. 

So after the three days I was excited to send him back to school and get back to my week.  I go to work and figured out real quick that I did not wake up on the right side of the bed.  I was def not a people person and didn't really have a care about anything.  All I wanted was to go home and go back to bed. 

So the next day, I get another sick kid!  ugh!  Here we go again.  Exhausted from no sleep for the past 3 days, I was looking forward to coffee with a friend and an afternoon hanging out with some other friends.  But that came to an end in the middle of the night. 

This has pretty much been my week.  I have no energy at all due to lack of sleep and have no patience for anyone or anything. 

I am hoping for a better week next week.

New year

Well it has been a bit since I last posted something but for some reason, the holidays make things crazy and my blog was the last thing on my mind. 

So here we are in a new year and I am very much looking forward to it.  I have a lot of goals I have set for myself this year and I am determined to reach them.  I'm sure if you asked my family they would all say, yea sure we shall see, and that is because I don't ever seem to finish anything. 

I get alot of ideas in my head and get excited about them and then one day a new idea pops in and then the next thing you know, I have moved on to something else and quit the first thing I was doing. 

I do believe I have grown into adult ADD.  I find myself needing to find things that will keep me interested or I will quickly get distracted and move on. 

Last September I started Weight Watches and I have very much enjoyed it.  I think this is the first time I have stuck with a weight loss thing and I am very proud of myself.  I am going slow and taking my time learning how to do this and eat right and learn how my emotions have affected my eating.  I will eventually get to a healthy weight and right now I am very happy with my progress.  It has been a process for me and I am learning things about myself along the way that I'm sure I never would have noticed before.  But I will keep on this journey and keep moving forward.

I have also started the process of decluttering and organizing my house.  I am finding things that I didn't know I kept and letting go of things that I now realize I don't need.  This also is a learning process for me.  For years I have always kept things and stuff as my security.  As I grow in my walk with God, he is teaching me to lean on him and that he is my security.  So I am slowly starting to let things go and it turns out, I'm ok with it.  It's a huge relief and I can feel weight being lifted off my shoulders. 

My husband got a new position at work which is very exciting again another learning curve there.  We are not used to seeing him much and now he works almost a reg schedule.  It's amazing the things God does.  The kids were able to see him 3 times last week before they went to bed and that has never happened unless we were on vacation.  God is growing me in soo many ways this year.

I am very thankful for what he has given us and the people he has put in our lives.  I would never ask for anything better bc I can't imagine it getting better than this.  Our creator is bigger than words can say and he loves more than our hearts and minds can imagine. 

I am once again, looking forward to this new year and the journey he has ahead of us.