Change, the word itself doesn't even sounds fun. But it happens to all of us. Change is something we all have to deal with.
I have come to realize that change is much easier when you are younger. When you don't have major priorities or families that get in the way, change is something you do every day. However, when you have children and a husband and other family, it's hard to deal with.
Change also goes along with comfort. We usually don't like change because we are comfortable where we are with what we have. Anything that comes in and doesn't fit makes us change and we don't like that.
I have recently be informed of a change that will be coming in our lives in the next few months. My first instinct is to start planning. I am a planner! I plan for everything and then I also plan for the things that may happen to change my original plan so that I am prepared. So when I first hear about this change, I start my planning. What are we gonna do about this? and what about this? and how are we gonna make this work? and how will I fit this in? and I will probably have to give this up. It's all gonna change.
What I also struggle with is just letting God deal with the change. I struggle with him taking the lead or I struggle to give him the lead is what I really should say. I like to be in control and sometimes you have to face the fact that we just don't have control.
So here I am, knowing the change is coming, and I need to just let God take the lead. He already knows the outcome and he has already won the war. Anything that I go through is nothing compared to the cross. Much easier said than done for sure.
So here we go, ready as we can be for change, and ready to give the lead to God.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Giving
One of my most favorite things to do in the world is to give to people. I love to see their faces, I love to see the joy and the love that I feel inside is abounding.
Last weekend out youth group did a Scavenger Hunt Food Drive and all the food went to our "No One Goes Hungry" ministry for the holidays.
So the this was the first time some of these kids had ever done anything like this and I wasn't sure how they were going to respond or how much they would actually get into it. THEY DID AMAZING!!! We had some competitiveness going on that made it soo fun.
The amount of food the kids brought back blew me away. They all enjoyed it and are very excited to do it again.
So with all the food they brought back, we were able to deliver 3 food boxes today and still have more food to put together 2 more boxes. I was fortunate enough to deliver 2 of those boxes to families who need this food more than you can imagine.
When you drive up to meet them and they don't actually know why you are stopping by and you can give them this huge box of food and see their faces, my heart exploded. I wanted to cry. When people are struggling to provide for their families and they just can't they feel helpless. We had soo much food brought in that we were able to help more people than we thought we would and that was all JESUS. He knew of the needs and he provided just like he promises. He uses us to show his love to be his hands and feet.
I could never ask for anything better than to be his hands and feet and if I could have a full-time job delivering food boxes to people who are hurting and struggling and need to feel his love, I would take it in a heart beat.
I know that this is what I was meant to do, to be his hands and feet.
JESUS, you are beautiful!
Last weekend out youth group did a Scavenger Hunt Food Drive and all the food went to our "No One Goes Hungry" ministry for the holidays.
So the this was the first time some of these kids had ever done anything like this and I wasn't sure how they were going to respond or how much they would actually get into it. THEY DID AMAZING!!! We had some competitiveness going on that made it soo fun.
The amount of food the kids brought back blew me away. They all enjoyed it and are very excited to do it again.
So with all the food they brought back, we were able to deliver 3 food boxes today and still have more food to put together 2 more boxes. I was fortunate enough to deliver 2 of those boxes to families who need this food more than you can imagine.
When you drive up to meet them and they don't actually know why you are stopping by and you can give them this huge box of food and see their faces, my heart exploded. I wanted to cry. When people are struggling to provide for their families and they just can't they feel helpless. We had soo much food brought in that we were able to help more people than we thought we would and that was all JESUS. He knew of the needs and he provided just like he promises. He uses us to show his love to be his hands and feet.
I could never ask for anything better than to be his hands and feet and if I could have a full-time job delivering food boxes to people who are hurting and struggling and need to feel his love, I would take it in a heart beat.
I know that this is what I was meant to do, to be his hands and feet.
JESUS, you are beautiful!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Lonely
My husband is gone again for a few days to California for work again. This time is very different than the other trips. Normally we text and call each other often and I don't feel like he is any further away than work. This time I have only been able to text him for about 5 mins in the morning and was able to talk to him for literally 1 minute last night bc he had to go. Going all this time is making me feel very alone. I have not felt this feeling for a very long time and it makes my mind go all over the place.
One of the worst thoughts that I have has been: Is God preparing me to be alone with my kids without my husband? Is something going to happen to him and he won't be around anymore? I like to think I am prepared for this as I have thought it through many times in my head as I try to fall asleep at night. I honestly don't know that I will ever be prepared for something so tragic.
Of course another thought that runs though my brain is what if he is separating himself bc he leaving? ugh sooo many things your mind can tell you that aren't even true.
So all day I feel this emptiness inside and I don't know what to do. I almost feel lost like I dont' know who I am or what to do next. I am Darren's wife and I take care of our kids and I talk to him all the time throughout my day. I don't know how to not be or do those things. I feel like if I figure out how to do these things without him, will I still need him? I dont' want to be so independent that I don't need my husband.
Sometimes I wish my brain would just stop for a while a take a break.
One of the worst thoughts that I have has been: Is God preparing me to be alone with my kids without my husband? Is something going to happen to him and he won't be around anymore? I like to think I am prepared for this as I have thought it through many times in my head as I try to fall asleep at night. I honestly don't know that I will ever be prepared for something so tragic.
Of course another thought that runs though my brain is what if he is separating himself bc he leaving? ugh sooo many things your mind can tell you that aren't even true.
So all day I feel this emptiness inside and I don't know what to do. I almost feel lost like I dont' know who I am or what to do next. I am Darren's wife and I take care of our kids and I talk to him all the time throughout my day. I don't know how to not be or do those things. I feel like if I figure out how to do these things without him, will I still need him? I dont' want to be so independent that I don't need my husband.
Sometimes I wish my brain would just stop for a while a take a break.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Heart Ache
My grandma is 89 and she recently fell and broke her arm. She is so mad at her self right now because she knows she was doing so good taking care of herself and now she has been in the hospital for a week and now in a care facility until she can take care of herself again.
So my sister and I went to visit with her and she looked so sad. She is still mad at herself and in a lot of pain. She was finally able to stand up for 15 straight minutes so that was very exciting. She told us how someone was supposed to bring her some clothes because she had been wearing her gown for over a week with only sponge baths. She also told us how she gives her newspaper to others because she doesn't have her magnifine glass to read it. She said she doesn't know what day it is either because she doesn't have a calendar.
So my sister and I decided we would see what we could do to get her those things. We made phone call after phone call and nothing. We couldn't get ppl to call us back, we left messages and sent text messages. Finally I got a hold of my dad and of course the call ends with crying. He says that his sister is the one who is handling all that. So I told him to put his foot down and tell her to let other ppl help. He said he won't do that because he wants to keep communication open. If he tells ppl what to do they won't talk to him anymore. UGH!!!
My grandma is in a place she doesn't want to be and all she wants are clothes, a magnifine glass and a calendar!! Why is it such a big deal to make her feel happy. Make her feel comfortable in a place she doesn't want to be in and WHY does my aunt have to be so STUPID AND CRAZY!!!!!
UGH!!!
So my sister and I went to visit with her and she looked so sad. She is still mad at herself and in a lot of pain. She was finally able to stand up for 15 straight minutes so that was very exciting. She told us how someone was supposed to bring her some clothes because she had been wearing her gown for over a week with only sponge baths. She also told us how she gives her newspaper to others because she doesn't have her magnifine glass to read it. She said she doesn't know what day it is either because she doesn't have a calendar.
So my sister and I decided we would see what we could do to get her those things. We made phone call after phone call and nothing. We couldn't get ppl to call us back, we left messages and sent text messages. Finally I got a hold of my dad and of course the call ends with crying. He says that his sister is the one who is handling all that. So I told him to put his foot down and tell her to let other ppl help. He said he won't do that because he wants to keep communication open. If he tells ppl what to do they won't talk to him anymore. UGH!!!
My grandma is in a place she doesn't want to be and all she wants are clothes, a magnifine glass and a calendar!! Why is it such a big deal to make her feel happy. Make her feel comfortable in a place she doesn't want to be in and WHY does my aunt have to be so STUPID AND CRAZY!!!!!
UGH!!!
For Sale
So we are in the process of putting our house on the market. We have never done this before and lets just say, I am ready to just not do it and finish our basement. The stress that I have felt since starting all this is starting to get overwhelming.
When we started our list of things that needed to be done, it didn't seem like a whole lot. Now that we have started and time is going by, it's a big never ending list.
We just finished our front yard which makes our house look like a brand new house and I love it!!! But will it work for others? We shall see.
We leave for Canada in 2 weeks and we need the house on the market before we leave. This means we have a TON of stuff to get done in the next week to make sure it's on the market and ready to do.
I will say, the next time I try to sell a house, I'm gonna pay someone else to do all this work.
When we started our list of things that needed to be done, it didn't seem like a whole lot. Now that we have started and time is going by, it's a big never ending list.
We just finished our front yard which makes our house look like a brand new house and I love it!!! But will it work for others? We shall see.
We leave for Canada in 2 weeks and we need the house on the market before we leave. This means we have a TON of stuff to get done in the next week to make sure it's on the market and ready to do.
I will say, the next time I try to sell a house, I'm gonna pay someone else to do all this work.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Regret
My heart breaks for those we know and love who choose their needs and wants and what makes them feel good over their family, biological or not.
One day you are going to look back and see all that you missed because we are not what you wanted at the time. We didn't make you feel the way you wanted to feel and we didn't do all the things you wanted us to do. One day you will look back and see all the people you really don't know and we won't know you either because you chose to keep yourself away. One day you will look back and see all the people who have grown up without you knowing. They will be different and like strangers because you chose your friends and your attitude over us. You wanted people to like you for who you thought you were and didn't give anyone a chance to know the real you. One day you will find the real you who we all knew was there but you wouldn't let us in and now we will always be on the outside.
Your family is where you come from, came from and will be apart of your whole life. Nobody says you have to love these people but how can you push yourself away so that you don't know them at all?
When you have children, your gonna want them to know their cousins but won't because you won't know them either. Your children are gonna ask you questions about when you grew up and what kind of things did you do as a kid with your family and you won't have answers because you pushed yourself away.
You will be an aunt, a cousin, a 2nd and 3rd cousin, sister, mom, grandma and you won't know any of those people because you chose your own path away from your family. You will be a stranger!
Is that what you want? To be a stranger? To have people who are supposed to have hearts full of love for you but they only know you as an acquaintance? My heart breaks for you and I pray for you that one day you will follow the path you were meant to take and that will be apart of your history. You don't have to follow in your history's footprints but you should at least leave some prints so others may know you.
One day you are going to look back and see all that you missed because we are not what you wanted at the time. We didn't make you feel the way you wanted to feel and we didn't do all the things you wanted us to do. One day you will look back and see all the people you really don't know and we won't know you either because you chose to keep yourself away. One day you will look back and see all the people who have grown up without you knowing. They will be different and like strangers because you chose your friends and your attitude over us. You wanted people to like you for who you thought you were and didn't give anyone a chance to know the real you. One day you will find the real you who we all knew was there but you wouldn't let us in and now we will always be on the outside.
Your family is where you come from, came from and will be apart of your whole life. Nobody says you have to love these people but how can you push yourself away so that you don't know them at all?
When you have children, your gonna want them to know their cousins but won't because you won't know them either. Your children are gonna ask you questions about when you grew up and what kind of things did you do as a kid with your family and you won't have answers because you pushed yourself away.
You will be an aunt, a cousin, a 2nd and 3rd cousin, sister, mom, grandma and you won't know any of those people because you chose your own path away from your family. You will be a stranger!
Is that what you want? To be a stranger? To have people who are supposed to have hearts full of love for you but they only know you as an acquaintance? My heart breaks for you and I pray for you that one day you will follow the path you were meant to take and that will be apart of your history. You don't have to follow in your history's footprints but you should at least leave some prints so others may know you.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Sick little girl
Today is day 4 with a sick little girl. My heart hurts to see her in pain when she coughs. She is coughing so hard she is almost making herself sick.
It's hard as a mom when you can't do anything for your child. She is already on 2 antibiotics and we are giving her cough meds and Tylenol when needed. She isn't able to go to school today and can't jump on our brand new trampoline. When she gets going and gets excited, she starts coughing like crazy.
At this point, all I can do is hug here, love here and pray for her to get better quickly.
It's hard as a mom when you can't do anything for your child. She is already on 2 antibiotics and we are giving her cough meds and Tylenol when needed. She isn't able to go to school today and can't jump on our brand new trampoline. When she gets going and gets excited, she starts coughing like crazy.
At this point, all I can do is hug here, love here and pray for her to get better quickly.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
April
Well we started off the month with another surgery for my dad. This time things went much better but had some random bleeding that they couldn't get to stop and then of course he fainted but was luckly at the hospital. He is now home and recovering.
We also celebrated my nephews birthday and he is now 2. The youngest of the four kids between me and my sister and it makes me sad that they are all growing up so quickly.
We also bought our kids a trampoline this weekend. Something I have been meaning to get the kids for the past year and finally got it. We have had soo much fun on it already and it's only day 1!
Since we are in April now, we should be seeing some thunderstorms now which I love and everything is turning green and that is my favorite color. This also means that my kids have a little less than 2 months left of school and I will soon have a 2nd grader and a pre-K. That is a little hard to digest.
I am also in the planning stages of all of our summer activities. It will include a trip to Iowa for my nieces graduation, a camping trip with some of our best friends and a trip to Canada. Working on passports now so hopefully things will go smoothly because we are a bit behind on them.
We also celebrated my nephews birthday and he is now 2. The youngest of the four kids between me and my sister and it makes me sad that they are all growing up so quickly.
We also bought our kids a trampoline this weekend. Something I have been meaning to get the kids for the past year and finally got it. We have had soo much fun on it already and it's only day 1!
Since we are in April now, we should be seeing some thunderstorms now which I love and everything is turning green and that is my favorite color. This also means that my kids have a little less than 2 months left of school and I will soon have a 2nd grader and a pre-K. That is a little hard to digest.
I am also in the planning stages of all of our summer activities. It will include a trip to Iowa for my nieces graduation, a camping trip with some of our best friends and a trip to Canada. Working on passports now so hopefully things will go smoothly because we are a bit behind on them.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Time with my daughter
So when I had my son, it was just him and I all the time. I loved it. I also loved getting out of the house talking to other people and when he was little it didnt' happen very often. I then had my daughter and it was difficult to figure out how to take care of two kinds instead of one.
Looking back at the last four years I have realized I didn't spend the quality time with my daughter like I did my son. I wonder if that is why it is soo much easier to discipline her than him. I find it hard to find things that I have in common with her and not really sure what to do when we have mommy and daughter time.
Sometimes it breaks my heart to think of what she has missed out on but I can't change the past. I do try to do things her and I but I have gotten so used to coming and going all day every day that I never think of just her and I.
I will plan a day to paint her nails because she loves that (I don't) and I do it just for her. But then that is the end. I often fill like ok well I did that so she should be good now. We spend time together and I never really think, well geez 10 mins? You can't spend more time with her than that?
As my kids have gotten older I am realizing I have trouble making time for each of them one on one. I think will have to be my next project. I think even if it's just once a month and more than 10 mins, I will succeed. We shall see how this goes.
Looking back at the last four years I have realized I didn't spend the quality time with my daughter like I did my son. I wonder if that is why it is soo much easier to discipline her than him. I find it hard to find things that I have in common with her and not really sure what to do when we have mommy and daughter time.
Sometimes it breaks my heart to think of what she has missed out on but I can't change the past. I do try to do things her and I but I have gotten so used to coming and going all day every day that I never think of just her and I.
I will plan a day to paint her nails because she loves that (I don't) and I do it just for her. But then that is the end. I often fill like ok well I did that so she should be good now. We spend time together and I never really think, well geez 10 mins? You can't spend more time with her than that?
As my kids have gotten older I am realizing I have trouble making time for each of them one on one. I think will have to be my next project. I think even if it's just once a month and more than 10 mins, I will succeed. We shall see how this goes.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Blur
Wow, March has def gone by with a blur! The month of March always starts off crazy because both my kids have their birthdays at the beginning and 3 days apart. This year I had to plan two friend parties and one family party so it was crazy to say the least.
Once that gets over then we move right into spring break for the kids. Once spring break is over, kids go back to school, I go back to my work schedule and then the kids start their testing at school. With the testing I had to get up early each morning and make sure Brant had a good breakfast to keep him going.
This month we also have the grand opening at the bakery so that is filling my whole week with more than 3 times the hours I normally work.
We also started some projects on our house and we have had beautiful weather so we have been outside riding bikes and doing yard work.
I'm not sure what else I can cram into this month but right now all I can say is, I'm glad it's almost April! hehe
Once that gets over then we move right into spring break for the kids. Once spring break is over, kids go back to school, I go back to my work schedule and then the kids start their testing at school. With the testing I had to get up early each morning and make sure Brant had a good breakfast to keep him going.
This month we also have the grand opening at the bakery so that is filling my whole week with more than 3 times the hours I normally work.
We also started some projects on our house and we have had beautiful weather so we have been outside riding bikes and doing yard work.
I'm not sure what else I can cram into this month but right now all I can say is, I'm glad it's almost April! hehe
Thursday, February 23, 2012
What a month!
So here we are almost at the end of February already. So many things have happened and not even sure I can remember most. One of the hardest has been this past weekend with my dad.
My dad was put into the hospital last Friday due to results from a stress test that the doctors were not happy with. He was in the hospital from Friday till Tuesday and the happenings of each day were always up in the air.
We were told he had blocked arteries and his two options were stents which are a temporary fix or open heart surgery or a quadruple bipass.
My sister and I are his only children and my mom and dad have been divorced for 25 years so we are pretty much all he has besides his siblings and mom.
Needless to say, we didnt' get any help or support from his family and so it was just the two of us. God did what he always promises and he kept us strong and got us through.
The day before the bipass they had new test results which were not good and changed everything. Before we knew it they were taking my dad in 30 mins to put 2 stents in and would have to go another direction.
His neck arteries are VERY blocked and it would be too dangerous for them to do the bipass because it could cause a stroke.
So now he is home but we are waiting for the next surgery which will be tomorrow sometime and with this past weekend, things could change at any minute so we are taking it one step at a time.
God is still holding us strong and we know he has control. We know he has had this planned from the beginning and I am trying to focus on that.
It's amazing how he has made our bodies to be strong during these times and when it's over, the weight is lifted and your body is completely drained. I was soo exhausted on Tuesday from going non stop the last 4 days. But my dad is still here and I still have my father in heaven.
We did learn that this is genetic so right now I am on the research wagon trying to find ways to keep my family healthy and to keep my body from going down this road.
My dad was put into the hospital last Friday due to results from a stress test that the doctors were not happy with. He was in the hospital from Friday till Tuesday and the happenings of each day were always up in the air.
We were told he had blocked arteries and his two options were stents which are a temporary fix or open heart surgery or a quadruple bipass.
My sister and I are his only children and my mom and dad have been divorced for 25 years so we are pretty much all he has besides his siblings and mom.
Needless to say, we didnt' get any help or support from his family and so it was just the two of us. God did what he always promises and he kept us strong and got us through.
The day before the bipass they had new test results which were not good and changed everything. Before we knew it they were taking my dad in 30 mins to put 2 stents in and would have to go another direction.
His neck arteries are VERY blocked and it would be too dangerous for them to do the bipass because it could cause a stroke.
So now he is home but we are waiting for the next surgery which will be tomorrow sometime and with this past weekend, things could change at any minute so we are taking it one step at a time.
God is still holding us strong and we know he has control. We know he has had this planned from the beginning and I am trying to focus on that.
It's amazing how he has made our bodies to be strong during these times and when it's over, the weight is lifted and your body is completely drained. I was soo exhausted on Tuesday from going non stop the last 4 days. But my dad is still here and I still have my father in heaven.
We did learn that this is genetic so right now I am on the research wagon trying to find ways to keep my family healthy and to keep my body from going down this road.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Learning
So I have been reading a book on the 5 Love Languages of children. I must say, I am seeing my kids in a different light. I am seeing my son in a different way and it is answering alot of questions.
I have learned that his love language is quality time, (which we already knew), and so is mine. However, his is a very different quality time. He needs the one on one eye contact type of quality time. It's going to take time to figure out how to fill his love tank but the light is getting brighter so I think it will become a much easy way of life here soon.
Ashley has the gifts love language. I am still in the middle of reading this one but so far it fits her to a T. She loves things! She loves all the girly stuff but she is very tough at the same time. So to make her happy, buy her a cookie! hehe
I am also learning new things about how Brant learns which baffles me. I can see a mixture of Darren's learning and my learning types. The hard part is trying to remember that he is a visual learner who wants to know every detail about every little thing! He is a super smart kids and has a huge heart. I am hoping I can be the kind of mom he deserves.
I love my kids very much. I know God has amazing things planned for them!
I have learned that his love language is quality time, (which we already knew), and so is mine. However, his is a very different quality time. He needs the one on one eye contact type of quality time. It's going to take time to figure out how to fill his love tank but the light is getting brighter so I think it will become a much easy way of life here soon.
Ashley has the gifts love language. I am still in the middle of reading this one but so far it fits her to a T. She loves things! She loves all the girly stuff but she is very tough at the same time. So to make her happy, buy her a cookie! hehe
I am also learning new things about how Brant learns which baffles me. I can see a mixture of Darren's learning and my learning types. The hard part is trying to remember that he is a visual learner who wants to know every detail about every little thing! He is a super smart kids and has a huge heart. I am hoping I can be the kind of mom he deserves.
I love my kids very much. I know God has amazing things planned for them!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Feeling Lonely
So I have done a lot of thinking the past few days. My husband and I haven't had the best relationship since he started his new position at work. It has been very stressful for me.
I had very high hopes and A LOT of expectations I am now realizing. When he was offered this position and he said yes, I saw right away in my head, more time with my husband, more time for him and the kids, we can eat dinner together, we can have date nights, we can see each other before I am exhausted and done for the day. That right there is where my world has come crashing down.
With his previous position he was working 6 days a week and 12+ hours a day. Sometimes he would work 15-17 hours a day and the kids wouldn't see him for 2 or 3 days. This has always been very hard for me to see how much they miss him and to hear them complain about how they have to go to bed without seeing their dad. He leaves before they are awake and he is still gone when they go to bed. It's hard. It makes me feel like a single parent who is married but not sure who I am married to.
So with this new position, it was supposed to allow the kids to see him every night before they go to bed and to be able to have dinner with him a couple times a week. It was supposed to give us more time with him all the way around.
I have tried to be a listening ear for him with all the new things he is learning as I am very excited for him to have this opportunity. I ask him questions and try very hard to remember things he tells me.
I realize that my love tank has been running on empty for a long time with no drop in site. In fact, it looks like a ghost town. I have been working very hard on filling up my husbands love tank but he has not even looked in the direction of mine.
So here we are again, back to the reality of still being a single parent. It hurts inside because I feel very lonely. I often go over in my head what I would do if something happen to him. Where would I live, would I keep the stuff we shared, how would the kids take it, would I get remarried, if so who would I be interested in marrying. Then my head goes to ppl I have seen in stores, guys I find attractive and even though I don't know them and have never talked to them, I could see myself dating them. Would they want to date someone who has been married and who has kids. Lots of thoughts go through my head.
These are not things I like to admit to people but at times it makes me feel comfort because I am prepared for the future if this becomes my future. It keeps my mind busy so I don't think about how lonely I am.
My husband and I recently went on a date night and I knew from the start it was a waste of time. I honestly felt like I would rather be somewhere else than there at dinner with my husband. Our conversation becomes about him because if I talk about something that interests me, I see him zone out. (can you hear my heart break?)
The last two weeks I have volunteered at church in two different areas. It has been on the calendar for at least a month and I have talked to him about both a few times. When the days get here, he has no idea I'm helping out and doesn't know where I am. (and it breaks a bit more)
Right now his life has become his work and that is all he is focused on. I'm not sure how many arguments it's going to take to make him see what is happening.
Not sure where to go from here but I know I have not felt this lonely for a VERY long time. I try to keep myself busy with work and the kids, talking to my friends, facebook and of course pinterest. I dream of better times and hope they are coming my way soon.
For now, I will continue to pray for our relationship and continue on my journey alone.
I had very high hopes and A LOT of expectations I am now realizing. When he was offered this position and he said yes, I saw right away in my head, more time with my husband, more time for him and the kids, we can eat dinner together, we can have date nights, we can see each other before I am exhausted and done for the day. That right there is where my world has come crashing down.
With his previous position he was working 6 days a week and 12+ hours a day. Sometimes he would work 15-17 hours a day and the kids wouldn't see him for 2 or 3 days. This has always been very hard for me to see how much they miss him and to hear them complain about how they have to go to bed without seeing their dad. He leaves before they are awake and he is still gone when they go to bed. It's hard. It makes me feel like a single parent who is married but not sure who I am married to.
So with this new position, it was supposed to allow the kids to see him every night before they go to bed and to be able to have dinner with him a couple times a week. It was supposed to give us more time with him all the way around.
I have tried to be a listening ear for him with all the new things he is learning as I am very excited for him to have this opportunity. I ask him questions and try very hard to remember things he tells me.
I realize that my love tank has been running on empty for a long time with no drop in site. In fact, it looks like a ghost town. I have been working very hard on filling up my husbands love tank but he has not even looked in the direction of mine.
So here we are again, back to the reality of still being a single parent. It hurts inside because I feel very lonely. I often go over in my head what I would do if something happen to him. Where would I live, would I keep the stuff we shared, how would the kids take it, would I get remarried, if so who would I be interested in marrying. Then my head goes to ppl I have seen in stores, guys I find attractive and even though I don't know them and have never talked to them, I could see myself dating them. Would they want to date someone who has been married and who has kids. Lots of thoughts go through my head.
These are not things I like to admit to people but at times it makes me feel comfort because I am prepared for the future if this becomes my future. It keeps my mind busy so I don't think about how lonely I am.
My husband and I recently went on a date night and I knew from the start it was a waste of time. I honestly felt like I would rather be somewhere else than there at dinner with my husband. Our conversation becomes about him because if I talk about something that interests me, I see him zone out. (can you hear my heart break?)
The last two weeks I have volunteered at church in two different areas. It has been on the calendar for at least a month and I have talked to him about both a few times. When the days get here, he has no idea I'm helping out and doesn't know where I am. (and it breaks a bit more)
Right now his life has become his work and that is all he is focused on. I'm not sure how many arguments it's going to take to make him see what is happening.
Not sure where to go from here but I know I have not felt this lonely for a VERY long time. I try to keep myself busy with work and the kids, talking to my friends, facebook and of course pinterest. I dream of better times and hope they are coming my way soon.
For now, I will continue to pray for our relationship and continue on my journey alone.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Football
So I have never been a fan of football, EVER!! I just always assume the team the people around me are rooting for will lose. It's just easier to accept the loss right away I think hehe.
Well the last few years my husband has been watching football more and more. Each year I learn a little bit more about the game and the players along with their teams. It seems the more I learn about the game, the more I get into the game because I actually understand what's happening.
So this year I again and learning to like the game and have decided, I am a Broncos fan. I have jumped on the Tebow bandwagon but mostly because I root for the underdogs. I do of course LOVE that he believes in Jesus and LOVE how he is using his position to do things for others. What a great testimony!
So I am now watching all the football games and rooting for the Broncos and enjoying my time with my husband as we jump up and down yelling and screaming at the tv because the teams can't hear us. It's alot of fun.
The yelling and screaming reminds me of when I was younger and I would see my mom doing the same things. Dun dun dunnnnn! Just kidding. She has always been a fan and she loves her team. I dont' see myself getting that bad but it's def fun and makes my life less stressful when I have to sit and watch football when I hate the game.
I now enjoy Sunday's and look forward to the time with my husband.
Well the last few years my husband has been watching football more and more. Each year I learn a little bit more about the game and the players along with their teams. It seems the more I learn about the game, the more I get into the game because I actually understand what's happening.
So this year I again and learning to like the game and have decided, I am a Broncos fan. I have jumped on the Tebow bandwagon but mostly because I root for the underdogs. I do of course LOVE that he believes in Jesus and LOVE how he is using his position to do things for others. What a great testimony!
So I am now watching all the football games and rooting for the Broncos and enjoying my time with my husband as we jump up and down yelling and screaming at the tv because the teams can't hear us. It's alot of fun.
The yelling and screaming reminds me of when I was younger and I would see my mom doing the same things. Dun dun dunnnnn! Just kidding. She has always been a fan and she loves her team. I dont' see myself getting that bad but it's def fun and makes my life less stressful when I have to sit and watch football when I hate the game.
I now enjoy Sunday's and look forward to the time with my husband.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Sickness
Well so far this year is starting out great! Both kids have been sick! I am going to take this as a sign that we will be done for the year. I like to think positive.
I thought both kids were getting better and then BAM!!! Ash is screaming because her ear is hurting. So we take her to urgent care and of course, double ear infections! So now we start the process of antibiotics and get though the weekend.
We will start fresh next week. I have good thoughts about next week!
I thought both kids were getting better and then BAM!!! Ash is screaming because her ear is hurting. So we take her to urgent care and of course, double ear infections! So now we start the process of antibiotics and get though the weekend.
We will start fresh next week. I have good thoughts about next week!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Down week
This week has been very unusual to say the least. It stated out great and went down hill.
I got one sick kid for three days and by itself is a big deal. Needless to say that right there throws my whole week of kilter. I love my little boy but he is def a male when he is sick. He milks it for all its worth. The only good thing is that when he is sick, he stays in one spot and I can get my own stuff done.
So after the three days I was excited to send him back to school and get back to my week. I go to work and figured out real quick that I did not wake up on the right side of the bed. I was def not a people person and didn't really have a care about anything. All I wanted was to go home and go back to bed.
So the next day, I get another sick kid! ugh! Here we go again. Exhausted from no sleep for the past 3 days, I was looking forward to coffee with a friend and an afternoon hanging out with some other friends. But that came to an end in the middle of the night.
This has pretty much been my week. I have no energy at all due to lack of sleep and have no patience for anyone or anything.
I am hoping for a better week next week.
I got one sick kid for three days and by itself is a big deal. Needless to say that right there throws my whole week of kilter. I love my little boy but he is def a male when he is sick. He milks it for all its worth. The only good thing is that when he is sick, he stays in one spot and I can get my own stuff done.
So after the three days I was excited to send him back to school and get back to my week. I go to work and figured out real quick that I did not wake up on the right side of the bed. I was def not a people person and didn't really have a care about anything. All I wanted was to go home and go back to bed.
So the next day, I get another sick kid! ugh! Here we go again. Exhausted from no sleep for the past 3 days, I was looking forward to coffee with a friend and an afternoon hanging out with some other friends. But that came to an end in the middle of the night.
This has pretty much been my week. I have no energy at all due to lack of sleep and have no patience for anyone or anything.
I am hoping for a better week next week.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
New year
Well it has been a bit since I last posted something but for some reason, the holidays make things crazy and my blog was the last thing on my mind.
So here we are in a new year and I am very much looking forward to it. I have a lot of goals I have set for myself this year and I am determined to reach them. I'm sure if you asked my family they would all say, yea sure we shall see, and that is because I don't ever seem to finish anything.
I get alot of ideas in my head and get excited about them and then one day a new idea pops in and then the next thing you know, I have moved on to something else and quit the first thing I was doing.
I do believe I have grown into adult ADD. I find myself needing to find things that will keep me interested or I will quickly get distracted and move on.
Last September I started Weight Watches and I have very much enjoyed it. I think this is the first time I have stuck with a weight loss thing and I am very proud of myself. I am going slow and taking my time learning how to do this and eat right and learn how my emotions have affected my eating. I will eventually get to a healthy weight and right now I am very happy with my progress. It has been a process for me and I am learning things about myself along the way that I'm sure I never would have noticed before. But I will keep on this journey and keep moving forward.
I have also started the process of decluttering and organizing my house. I am finding things that I didn't know I kept and letting go of things that I now realize I don't need. This also is a learning process for me. For years I have always kept things and stuff as my security. As I grow in my walk with God, he is teaching me to lean on him and that he is my security. So I am slowly starting to let things go and it turns out, I'm ok with it. It's a huge relief and I can feel weight being lifted off my shoulders.
My husband got a new position at work which is very exciting again another learning curve there. We are not used to seeing him much and now he works almost a reg schedule. It's amazing the things God does. The kids were able to see him 3 times last week before they went to bed and that has never happened unless we were on vacation. God is growing me in soo many ways this year.
I am very thankful for what he has given us and the people he has put in our lives. I would never ask for anything better bc I can't imagine it getting better than this. Our creator is bigger than words can say and he loves more than our hearts and minds can imagine.
I am once again, looking forward to this new year and the journey he has ahead of us.
So here we are in a new year and I am very much looking forward to it. I have a lot of goals I have set for myself this year and I am determined to reach them. I'm sure if you asked my family they would all say, yea sure we shall see, and that is because I don't ever seem to finish anything.
I get alot of ideas in my head and get excited about them and then one day a new idea pops in and then the next thing you know, I have moved on to something else and quit the first thing I was doing.
I do believe I have grown into adult ADD. I find myself needing to find things that will keep me interested or I will quickly get distracted and move on.
Last September I started Weight Watches and I have very much enjoyed it. I think this is the first time I have stuck with a weight loss thing and I am very proud of myself. I am going slow and taking my time learning how to do this and eat right and learn how my emotions have affected my eating. I will eventually get to a healthy weight and right now I am very happy with my progress. It has been a process for me and I am learning things about myself along the way that I'm sure I never would have noticed before. But I will keep on this journey and keep moving forward.
I have also started the process of decluttering and organizing my house. I am finding things that I didn't know I kept and letting go of things that I now realize I don't need. This also is a learning process for me. For years I have always kept things and stuff as my security. As I grow in my walk with God, he is teaching me to lean on him and that he is my security. So I am slowly starting to let things go and it turns out, I'm ok with it. It's a huge relief and I can feel weight being lifted off my shoulders.
My husband got a new position at work which is very exciting again another learning curve there. We are not used to seeing him much and now he works almost a reg schedule. It's amazing the things God does. The kids were able to see him 3 times last week before they went to bed and that has never happened unless we were on vacation. God is growing me in soo many ways this year.
I am very thankful for what he has given us and the people he has put in our lives. I would never ask for anything better bc I can't imagine it getting better than this. Our creator is bigger than words can say and he loves more than our hearts and minds can imagine.
I am once again, looking forward to this new year and the journey he has ahead of us.
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