2013

This has been an interesting start to the year for sure.  Yes it's May already and I am finally getting a chance to spew my thoughts. 

December started with me getting Pneumonia which I have never had before.  If God is every trying to tell you to take a break or slow down, Pneumonia is def the way to do that.  I had to rest for about 3 weeks and I am not one to sit still.  This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience.  So I am assuming I didn't get the picture as our whole family got the flu in Jan.  We were all well for about a week or two and both Ash and I ended up with Bronchitis.  Again I was down.  I finally got the picture!!!

We got to the beginning of March and I decided I needed some time off of work.  With the helpful hands and hearts of my friends I figured out I was going through depression.  Never have I experienced something like this.  You feel like every situation is 1000 times bigger than it is and I got to the point where I couldn't answer a simple yes or no question without having a meltdown.  I was ready to give up and leave everything behind, even my husband and kids. 

Once I had decided to take time off and my husband and I stepped down from the things we were apart of, my grandma passed away.  She was my last grandparent and was almost 90.  Such a tiny beautiful person.  She loved God and always prayed.  She always wanted to help people and loved her family very much.  But as we age her body was slowing down and just wasn't able to hold on. 

About a week later my uncle passed away.  Needless to say I was not sure if I could handle much more.  It was one thing after another.  So we made the unplanned trip to Iowa and spent a few days  there for the funeral and for our family.  How do you comfort someone who has just lost the love of their life?  Their best friend?  The person they have spent the last 27 years with?  You can't!  You can try and besides prayer that is all you can do.  We still pray daily for my aunt and wait for her to find her way.  When her heart is ready we will be there for her.  Until then we wait and go along side her holding her up the best we can from far away.

So things have slowed down and my mind has become clear on a few things in life.  I have been reading this book called "Not a Fan" by Kyle Idleman and I have to say one of the best books I have read in a long time.  I had to accept the fact that I have just been a fan of Jesus.  I have been here saying yes Jesus I will follow you but not on your terms, on mine.  I commit to him but only if it doesnt' require me to get hurt or ask to much of me.  I have not let him in and I have not loved him the way he loves me.  He has not been my number 1 in life and is always pushed aside when something better comes along.

So he is pruning and molding me and through the past events I have realized that I am not where I need to be.  I have decided I am not longer happy with being a church goer who just goes on Sunday because that is what you do.  I don't want my kids to grow up thinking church is a building.  We his people are his church and we belong on the battle field doing his work!!!  How can we reach the unreached when we have out bums planted in a chair?  We can't! 

So as he molds me, my eyes are opening and seeing the ways and places he wants me to go.  I want to show my children how to really be the hands and feet of Jesus.  I want my children to see that Jesus is always first.  It's going to take some time as I have been set in my ways for some time now.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

I want to fall in love with you Jesus, I want you to break my heart for what breaks yours, I want you always be thirsty for your word, I want to love the least of these and I want to love the way you love!!!