So I have done a lot of thinking the past few days. My husband and I haven't had the best relationship since he started his new position at work. It has been very stressful for me.
I had very high hopes and A LOT of expectations I am now realizing. When he was offered this position and he said yes, I saw right away in my head, more time with my husband, more time for him and the kids, we can eat dinner together, we can have date nights, we can see each other before I am exhausted and done for the day. That right there is where my world has come crashing down.
With his previous position he was working 6 days a week and 12+ hours a day. Sometimes he would work 15-17 hours a day and the kids wouldn't see him for 2 or 3 days. This has always been very hard for me to see how much they miss him and to hear them complain about how they have to go to bed without seeing their dad. He leaves before they are awake and he is still gone when they go to bed. It's hard. It makes me feel like a single parent who is married but not sure who I am married to.
So with this new position, it was supposed to allow the kids to see him every night before they go to bed and to be able to have dinner with him a couple times a week. It was supposed to give us more time with him all the way around.
I have tried to be a listening ear for him with all the new things he is learning as I am very excited for him to have this opportunity. I ask him questions and try very hard to remember things he tells me.
I realize that my love tank has been running on empty for a long time with no drop in site. In fact, it looks like a ghost town. I have been working very hard on filling up my husbands love tank but he has not even looked in the direction of mine.
So here we are again, back to the reality of still being a single parent. It hurts inside because I feel very lonely. I often go over in my head what I would do if something happen to him. Where would I live, would I keep the stuff we shared, how would the kids take it, would I get remarried, if so who would I be interested in marrying. Then my head goes to ppl I have seen in stores, guys I find attractive and even though I don't know them and have never talked to them, I could see myself dating them. Would they want to date someone who has been married and who has kids. Lots of thoughts go through my head.
These are not things I like to admit to people but at times it makes me feel comfort because I am prepared for the future if this becomes my future. It keeps my mind busy so I don't think about how lonely I am.
My husband and I recently went on a date night and I knew from the start it was a waste of time. I honestly felt like I would rather be somewhere else than there at dinner with my husband. Our conversation becomes about him because if I talk about something that interests me, I see him zone out. (can you hear my heart break?)
The last two weeks I have volunteered at church in two different areas. It has been on the calendar for at least a month and I have talked to him about both a few times. When the days get here, he has no idea I'm helping out and doesn't know where I am. (and it breaks a bit more)
Right now his life has become his work and that is all he is focused on. I'm not sure how many arguments it's going to take to make him see what is happening.
Not sure where to go from here but I know I have not felt this lonely for a VERY long time. I try to keep myself busy with work and the kids, talking to my friends, facebook and of course pinterest. I dream of better times and hope they are coming my way soon.
For now, I will continue to pray for our relationship and continue on my journey alone.
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